One of the most tangible moments in mass for me is right before the Eucharist is served, when the congregation passes a sign of peace and the altar servers approach the altar. The servers also pass a sign of peace with every server and with the priest. For me, this is a visible symbol that no one is taking the Eucharist while holding a grudge against a fellow Christian.
Long-time Maple Grove readers know I've been struggling to forgive someone for as long as I've been writing this blog. I don't want to rehash it here. If you're really interested, good luck wading through my earliest blog entries.
There is a situation developing where I may be asked to serve on a ministry with the person I've been struggling to forgive. I know this person will be serving; I'd say there is a 60/40 chance I will be asked to serve. The ministry is a short-term assignment for a particular occasion. It's really important for the ministry that all team members be in unified in spirit.
When I found out this person would be serving, I immediately had the thought if I were asked to serve I would have to go meet with this person to make sure we have forgiven each other. I have no idea how this will be received and I have no idea whether I'm supposed to just go say "I forgive you" or whether I am supposed to tell this person how they hurt me and my family and then say "but I forgive you." I'm honestly praying for clarity about this. (Well, much of the time I'm praying to not be asked to serve and avoid the whole thing. Being honest here!)
What do you think? I want to be sure that in sharing the hurt, I am not simply venting my anger. Most of the anger has truly gone away over the last six years. Six years. Yikes. What a long time to struggle with something. This person is in a position to say "I forgive you" and to receive my forgiveness and possibly not ever understand what he did that was hurtful. Does that make sense? I am not asking to be a messenger here. As I said, I'd rather skip the whole thing. (The other tempting option, of course, is to turn down the ministry opportunity even if I am asked to serve.)
Any words of wisdom? Any experience in these things?
5 comments:
Sandy: I do not believe you should rehash the situation with the person. The forgiveness needs to happen in your heart, not with them. I am interested in what others have to say.
I wrote a post about being merciful and the exercises I do to forgive people. Sometimes this has worked for me.
http://yimcatholic.blogspot.com/2010/04/to-learn-how-to-be-merciful.html
Thanks, Allison. I reread your post and applied more of it to myself than the first time through. :) It is good and I will try the exercises and pray about it. I guess you are saying the person and I do not have to talk to each other about forgiveness as long as I have truly forgiven?
That is my opinion. I mean, sometimes, it just opens up an old wound. Do they even know they have offended you? Is it necessary for them to know that?
Recently I apologized for a very old grievance - many times older than yours. I never told the person he had hurt me. That is what I apologized for. It turns out, he had had no idea he had hurt me. I told him not sharing my pain was unfair both to my growth and to his as a person. We have been able to become friends again.
I agree with Allison.
I do not think it is proper to go up to someone and say I forgive you....when they have not asked to be forgiven.
Forgiving her is between you and God.
"Help me forgive soandso.
I give her to you to deal with in your perfect ways.
You know what is best Lord.
I cast this care upon You."
Toss her in the air....
I believe forgiving does not mean it is alright what she did. Not alright at all.
It just means that you are 'giving' her to God to deal with.
@Donna, thank you for your ideas. I appreciate all of you for telling me what you think.
I realized while walking yesterday I originally planned to do more like what Allison says in her second comment, go to the person and ask forgiveness for myself, for holding this incident against him for so long. But in a true "Freudian slip" when I typed it out, it came out as "I forgive you." I also realized what a huge part my pride continues to play in all this. I'm still trying to do God's job to "fix" this thing to my satisfaction. Argh.
You are so right "giving him to God to deal with".
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